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News from the North Pole

By Rick Jacobs

The wait is over!

It is time once again for my annual, “News From the North Pole” column! (I will pause for a moment for the applause to die down).

From the North Pole:

RickJacobs

Rick Jacobs

 

Santa’s elves have had to call in extra help from the Jockey Guild and work around the clock over the last couple of months in order to have everything ready for Santa this year. The reason? None other than global warming.

“It’s true,” stated Head Elf Ima Littleman. “We hired 30 jockeys to help us catch up. We had warmer than usual weather clear up until September, and even into the first week of October this year. So, instead of making toys, everyone was playing golf, swimming, fishing. Heck, we had to bring in extra lifeguards from Iceland because the pool was so crowded.”

When asked if everything would be ready on time, a tanned and fit Santa said, “Of course we will. I haven’t let the children down yet, have I? And,” he added with a wink, “I’ll be extra jolly this year. I actually broke 80 for the first time in 300 years!”

From Bartlett, Tenn.:

The case involving Frosty T. Snowman and his fight against the charge of Jaywalking goes on in the Bartlett Courthouse. After many continuances – the longest one involving having to construct a walk-in freezer inside the courtroom so Snowman could be there for trial – the case seems to have hit yet another snag.

When Snowman was instructed to remove his hat, his attorney, Ilset Youfree, objected on the grounds that Snowman has a medical condition that requires him to wear the hat at all times.

“Your honor,” Youfree argued, “we’ve all seen the movie. He takes his hat off, he’s nothing more than three snowballs, a button nose and two eyes made out of coal. I mean, we were happy to comply with the no smoking policy and lose the corncob pipe, but have a heart. Let him keep his hat on.”

The judge’s ruling is expected in the next 24 hours.

More legal news:

The medical malpractice suit filed by The Abominable Snowman – aka Bumble – against Dr. Hermey, formally known as the misfit elf, took a startling turn against Dr. Hermey yesterday when former best friend Yukon Cornelius offered testimony that may be hard for the defendant to refute.

“Hermey was my friend,” a sad Cornelius said after he left the stand, “and I hated to do it. But I couldn’t lie. He pulled all his teeth out and I saw him do it. He just… went crazy, I guess. It was pandemonium. There were teeth everywhere. I… I can’t talk about it anymore.”

Lawyers from both sides did not rule out settlement talks after court yesterday, and it may not be cheap for Dr. Hermey.

The plaintiff’s attorney, Imaka Biggbucks, told reporters that, “It’s a sad, sad thing for my client, having no teeth. He didn’t ask for this. Dr. Hermey just assumed that, since he was big and abominable, he needed de-teething. Now, he can only eat soft foods. He’s down to under 700 pounds. Now, that may seem healthy to most folks, but that’s actually borderline emaciated. His friends are all calling him Twiggy.”

When asked what figure he had in mind, Biggbucks said, “I don’t know what they’re bringing to the table, but it better be substantial. False teeth for Abominable Snowmen can run into six-figures.”

More from Bartlett:

Mayor Keith McDonald gleefully announced that, for the 13th year in a row, he will once again be hoisting the “World’s Best Kids” trophy, given annually by Santa Clause to the community whose kids are the best behaved throughout the year.

Mayor McDonald, naturally, was thrilled.

“I knew we were in the running, as we are every year. Every indication was that we would be difficult to beat. This is a testimony to our community, our parents, our teachers, and, of course, our kids here in Bartlett, Tennessee!”

Santa echoed the Mayor’s pride.

“Everyone at the North Pole just loves Bartlett. As you know, I’m able to see them when they’re sleeping and I know when they’re awake. Toward the end of the competition, I make a list and then I check it twice. I determine who’s been naughty or nice. And, once again, Bartlett came out on top!”

And, as usual, Bartlett children can count on Santa being at the Bartlett Christmas Parade this Saturday.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he said. “It’s one of my very favorite parades.”

Finally, to all who read my columns thru the year, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a happy and prosperous New Year.

I also extend my appreciation to The Bartlett Express for giving me an avenue for my ramblings. I don’t get paid, but, as Henry Miller wrote: “Writing is its own reward.”

So true! And, that being the case, I am very, very blessed indeed.

 

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