By Cheri Thacker
Dear Chief Money Maker,
Since I plan to spend the rest of my life with you in spite of the2013 Valentine’s Day disaster, and although I appreciate your valiant efforts, I’m offering you some advice in regards to this Lover’s Day. Please feel free to apply in years to come only if you desire to remain among those we fondly call “The Living.”
Let’s—for organizational purposes—put these in the form of Commandments.
5 Valentine’s Day Shalt Not’s
Thou Shalt Not greet your bride, early in the morning, wearing a sparkly red Speedo while shouting “Happy VD Day, Honey!”
Thou Shalt Not claim the full glass of wine as yours, when your bride says it’s hers.
Thou Shalt Not refuse your bride’s offer of hot gummy lips –the candy you weirdo’s—by saying your recently pulled tooth makes it difficult to chew.
Thou Shalt Not tell the waiter your Smoking Loon wine choice was inspired by your bride while circling the air around your ear with your pointer finger no matter how funny you think it is.
Thou Shalt Not argue with your bride when she says the first twenty-seven holes of putt-putt were warm-up and declares herself Champion after winning the back nine.
5 Valentine’s Day Shalt’s
Thou Shalt feel free to punch the waiter for implying your bride is fat by asking, “And now for you, sir?” after she ordered three sushi rolls for the both of you.
Thou Shalt remember to bring earplugs for your bride in the event a dear old great-great-grandmother, perhaps even one of the original Wizard of Oz monkeys, decides to karaoke “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”….extremely off-key.
Thou Shalt support me when I protest to the Crumbsnatchers that I am not talking dirty after yelling, “Stop exacerbating my ill mood!” instead of calling me a “Potty Mouth” in front of them.
Thou Shalt make mental note that, “Money’s tight, don’t worry about getting me a gift,” really means don’t worry about getting me an expensive gift.
Thou Shalt let your bride win the first twenty-seven holes of putt-putt so she doesn’t have to claim they were warm-up while declaring herself Champion after winning the back nine.
With all my love, kisses, and wishes for many more Valentine’s Day’s to come,
@}>—>–Mama Bread Baker X O X O X O X O X O
Cheri Thacker is a Bartlett Mom and freelance writer. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.